TV Twittering

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Bizarro is brought to you today by the Witness Protection Program.

I've harped many times on this blog about reality shows like American Idol and how I can't understand why people watch them. But it has a massive audience, so I guess I'm in the minority.

Last night, I saw a couple of minutes of a poker show. Apparently, people will now watch people play cards on television. This astounds me. Are there people so lazy that they are not willing to move their own wrists and play cards themselves, preferring instead to watch strangers do it? And they're not even dogs.

I understand why these shows appeal to producers; there are no production costs other than the equipment they shoot with. No writers, no actors, no sound effects or even editing to speak of, just a pack of cards and a TV studio. Half of Hollywood's on- and off-screen talent is out of work because of this kind of programming. And the vast majority of them aren't wealthy stars, but just working stiffs like you and me.

Those of you who enjoy this kind of show are perhaps saying that if I really enjoyed playing poker I'd find it fun to watch others do so. Perhaps, but I enjoy lots of things – eating, riding a bike, reading – but I can't see myself watching others do these things on TV. Even when you make a game of it, like those wretched eating contests, I am nonplussed. I'd almost rather be waterboarded than forced to watch gluttonous twits cramming hot dogs down their throats.

Which reminds me – I'm "tweeting" now, I'm a twit, you can twizzle me or whatever. PiraroBizarro is my Twitter name.

Kids Today

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Talent Portion of our Competition.

Yes, it's another one of those preachy, vegan editorial cartoons. Sorry, but it's a fun angle with a silly picture and it was conceived by my eighteen-year-old protege, Victor, who has been donating the occasional cartoon idea to Bizarro since he was a mere 15.

I had to fix it a little, but basically the idea was his. Although he had an alligator, a worm, and a container of talcum powder instead of farm animals, and the line was not exactly the same. Victor's original line was "What about Churchill?" And the chalkboard was a little different in his version, in that it was a deflated hot air balloon hanging over a clothesline, but basically it was the same gag. I just punched it up a bit.

So little Vic, or "Vickydoo" as I call him, was on vacation in NYC with his family recently and came by the house. We had cocktails on the veranda, then went to dinner and a nightclub, followed by dancing. All while wearing tuxedos and glittery gowns like those old Fred Astaire movies. It was mahvelous.



Enjoy now this photograph of Vickydoo and Yours Truly partaking of scotch and cigars on the couch at Bizarro Headquarters.



While you are at it, gaze upon this adorable depiction of the youngster wearing one of my hats. He was so excited most of the evening, his mouth gaped open like a catfish.

Finally, I offer this charming photo of little V wearing CHNW's motorcycle helmet and mugging for the camera with me and a local homeless man.

If Victor and his family had half as much fun that evening as CHNW and I did, they had twice as much fun as someone who had no fun at all.

Hateful Wino

Bizarro is brought to you today by Alien Observers.

I like this gag a lot and assumed it was a harmless little play on words. Not to one reader, apparently. Below is one of my favorite bits of hate mail in a good while.

Your'e obviously a Liberal- it's noticeable in your comics- in the regular little jabs at conservative Americans.
Bet this just blows your ass that your favorite Facist, B.O., Nobama; Owebama-whatever you want to call the lying, racist, piece of shit he is -is dropping like a boulder over a cliff in popularity.
People are finally waking up- Thank GOD- oh, sorry- you probably don't like that word- too bad.

I do like your work- most of the time. So go ahead ,if it makes you feel better-and continue with the pathetic little jabs at Americans-like your piece today, you poor thing.

Bless your heart.

Aside from her blatant, Fox News zombified view of current events, my favorite part of this is the condescending "poor thing" and "bless your heart" at the end. I replied with a polite note in response saying, truthfully, that I wasn't sure what she was talking about. What does this cartoon have to do with politics or conservativism? Her response:

Dan- thank you for responding. It is obvious by your cartoon that you feel anyone that carries a gun is an extremist. B.O. said as much during his campaign with his "clinging to guns and religion" remark- in the process offending and insulting a large population.
And obviously you are making a joke-albeit a sick one -that Al queda is conservative because they carry guns- no, they hijack planes and murder 3,000 men ,women and children-but "that's another topic".
That you support a lying, racist ,spineless, cry-baby Facist that doesn't have the balls to take responsibilty for his own actions- [no one forced him to run for president, did they?]is your business.
You, Janine Garafolo and the other liberals just can't
understand why almost 50% of this country despise this man- so ,we must be racists? His poll # 's are dismal across the country,and you blame the south? He is deliberately,systematically destroying this country-that's quite enough for us to run this pig out of office.
The arrogance and ignorance of your statements are stunning. The racism coming from your "president"-he's not mine- and the elitism from you just reaffirms why the country is turning against you and yours.
Let me guess- you LOVE Msnbc, Chris MathewsJon Stewart, Letterman, Daily Kos,etc ,right?
Exactly.
Keep drinking the kool-aid-we'll talk again in 3 1/2 years.

I do like most of your comics-your'e just misguided-bless your heart.

Again, with the heart blessing. So I've been set straight at last. I wish she had written sooner.

Dangerous Jobs

Bizarro is brought to you today by Not Dead.

When I was young, I found the stereotypical flute-playing snake charmers of India to be fascinating. I figured that regardless of how good you are at it or how tame the snake is, it has got to be a dangerous job. Unless the snake is defanged, you're spending pretty much your entire day within striking distance of a cobra. It's like being Donald Trump's personal assistant.

Even creepier, though, are the religious hillbilly kooks who handle poisonous snakes because of a single line in the Bible that says something about safely handling serpents. The supposition is that if they have enough faith, God will protect them from the snake. What they don't realize is that modern translations of the Bible are not in all instances accurate. In ancient Hebrew, the word for "serpent" was very similar to the word for "scissors." We now know that the author was recommending safety with scissors, not playing with snakes.

I don't know if these serpent-handling cults still exist, most of the photos of them that you can find are from the early and mid-20th century. There are, however, newer cults that show their faith in god by safely handling scissors at their services.

Whatever you're handling today, be safe and don't run. Unless a snake is after you.

Mixed Bag of Marriage

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Lover's Spat.

This cartoon is sad and depressing. If you don't like black humor, look away before it is too late. Think of ducklings and cotton candy. If that doesn't work, try images of Glenn Beck on a raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

I like this kind of humor. I find that laughing at life's hardships is essential to surviving them. Who among us hasn't been married to the same person for so long that we'd rather die than go on another day? Okay, neither have I, but I can imagine it happening. To someone else, not me, because my love for CHNW is eternal and perfect; full of rainbows and ducklings and cotton candy and Glenn Beck withering to dust on a raft at sea.

But other kinds of bad things will happen to me, and when they do, I hope I can think of something odd and humorous to say about it, like our trooper in the cartoon above.

Frozen Heebies, Jeebies on a Stick

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Summer.

Not much to say about this cartoon. It's a pun with a fun image. I enjoyed drawing the creepy treats on the side. I came up with a couple more for the strip version, seen below. Click it to big it.

A reader emailed a story to me about an ice cream truck driver abducting a child, the mom saw it happen, jumped in her car and gave chase. A few other moms joined, they caught the guy, rescued the kid and the driver was arrested. Don't know how true, but it's a good story.

You gotta love vigilante moms, as long as they're after serious stuff like pedophiles and drunk drivers, and not just smokers or people with tattoos. I've seen moms push their kid's stroller out into the street to keep their precious offspring away from the nasty man with the cigar (me). Because every good parent knows, a single breath of residual tobacco smoke wafting in the breeze is far more dangerous than traffic.

In summary, I love ice cream trucks but cannot tolerate the music they produce, I love cigars but am annoyed by the bad rap they get because of anti-cigarette propaganda, I love kids but think their parents can be obnoxious.

I think we're done here.

Enjoy It Now

Found this on the Interwebs and thought it was cool. My understanding is that it was done with traditional film and animation techniques and not with computers.

Peripetics by ZEITGUISED from NotForPaper on Vimeo.