Hybrid Happy

(To view this cartoon LIFESIZE! click on the spittoon.)

Bizarro is today brought to you by YouKnowWhatTheySay...

I don't have a car, but if I did, it would likely be a hybrid. I don't have a horse, either, but I think a horsepig would be a fun ride. One would certainly get lots of stares and you couldn't ask for a better conversation starter.

I'm one of those people who likes things that are different from the norm, so the horsepig would appeal to me, regardless of its relatively ungraceful appearance. But that would only be until they caught on and everyone had one, then I'd move on to something else. What I'd really dig would be a horsechicken. Think of the pecking power a beast like that would have.

Rats!

Bizarro is brought to you today by Dangerous Rodents.

I went to the DMV today because I wanted to waste a couple of hours, be amazed by the idiocy of human bureaucracy, and register a motorcycle I bought recently. I accomplished two of my three goals – the wasting time and idiocy amazement – but I did not get a plate for the bike. I am not surprised, it was only my first visit for this particular undertaking and one can never acheive anything at a New York City DMV in less than two trips. In fact, the sign posted at the waiting area clearly states:

TO REGISTER YOUR VEHICLE YOU WILL NEED:
1. A notarized title
1. Proof of insurance
3. Completed forms DTF-802 and MV-82
4. Two forms of current picture I.D.
5. Something you did not bring

Of course, I forgot to bring number 5. I'll try again tomorrow.

Prius vs. Prime Rib

If you are a person concerned with what you can do to help mitigate climate change, read this short article from the Washington Post.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/07/28/AR2009072800390.html

Party On

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Just Say No.

I was a touch surprised that this cartoon got through the gauntlet of editors-that-be and appeared in newspapers all over the continent without any complaints. (That I know of.) My guess is that the kind of people who would object to this cartoon didn't understand it.

Usually, any reference to illegal "drugs" that is not wholly pro-abstinence gets some heat. In the interest of full disclosure, I am not an avid consumer of recreational drugs, though I've tried a few of the more popular ones. But on principle alone, I am incensed by the absurd notion that alcohol in moderation is acceptable but natural substances like hemp and psilocybin mushrooms are "of the devil."

What started with greedy capitalists wanting to ban natural substances they could not sell to the public so that they could make more money off of booze and nicotine (and paper made of wood, and cloth made of cotton instead of hemp) has received such a PR snowjob that most Americans still believe they should be illegal. Even people who have smoked pot and eaten mushrooms continue to lobby for their criminalization. How many of you learned in school that George Washington was a hemp farmer and believed it was the crop that the United States should build its economy on? That's my point, neither did I.

The reason these substances are associated with darkness and evil is because they are illegal and are sold by criminals. Marijuana is no more of a gateway to death by heroin overdose than Cheetos is to murder. (Statistics show that 99.8% of all convicted murderers have eaten Cheetos at some point in their life, many are even "addicted" to them.)

I'd love to see our society grow up, but I'm not holding my breath.

NOTE: To my mind there is a HUGE difference between natural substances like pot and mushrooms and manmade chemicals like acid, meth, XTC, etc. One can argue the logic of keeping those illegal or not, but my point here is that plants don't belong in the same category as those.

Fuggetabottit

Bizarro is brought to you today by Want To See My Spleen?

Near the top of my list of favorite things to do each day is climbing into bed at night and reading. (Other items on the list: pointing at rainbows, teaching my cat Tai Chi, running through crowded subways shouting "Grey's Anatomy is FAKE!")

I sometimes wonder if my bed looks forward to our time together as much as I do. Is it a willing participant in my nightly slumber? Does it sleep when I sleep or does it sleep during the day and lie awake all night wishing I'd get the hell off of it? And how does it feel about being used for sex?

Does the memory foam really remember me? If so, does it also remember my cats? If someone uses a memory foam mattress to cheat on their spouse, will it ever forget? When the mattress gets old, does it remember who slept on it thirty years ago but not who used it last night?

After all that musing, I'm embarrassed to say that I can't remember if my mattress is memory foam or not.

Whap Goes the Weasel

Bizarro today is brought to you by Carnivorous Cabbage.

One more cartoon from my friend and colleague, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I like his gags and have featured a small handful in Bizarro over the past few months, with his permission, of course.

I like the contradictory image of a guy using a "carrot on a stick," not to entice, but to intimidate. If you want to see more of what Wayno has been up to, he has asked me to direct you to his FacialBook page.

In other news, a reader in Scandinavia has permanently scarred his body with one of my bits of artwork and I wish to thank him for sending the photos below. I am always honored when this happens, and would like to publicly state here and now that anyone who indelibly disfigures their body with artwork from Bizarro will get a personal sympathy card from yours truly. Other, more egoistic cartoonists might offer currency, jewels, or merchandise, but I am a humble man.

Eating Ourselves

(To make the cartoon big, click on the seagull's left knee)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Geriatric Mouse Voice.

Judging by the emails I got last week, this cartoon was very popular with environmentally conscious readers. Destruction of ocean life is far worse than most people realize because it is hidden under the surface. It's hard to get good photos of all that is missing from the sea. Most experts estimate that 90% of all large ocean life has been decimated in the past 100 years. Red Lobster All-You-Can-Eat night, anyone?

And judging by some emails I've gotten recently, there are a number of readers who think I hate fat people and think they are fair game for ridicule. My point is not that fat people are "funny" or "bad," but that human selfishness is ruining the planet, with Americans firmly in the lead. I know it is hard to resist food, I've battled it myself, we all have. And we're not the only species prone to this, we've all seen what happens to dogs when too much food is made available. For millions of years, humans couldn't be certain when their next meal would be, so our genes evolved to tell us to eat all that is available, especially the fatty stuff. It could mean the difference between making it through the winter and winding up as a frozen skeleton. But for most of us in developed nations, those days are gone.

Food has only been cheap and plentiful for our species for a relatively short time, so our bodies haven't had time to evolve messages that stop us from eating too much. My message isn't "let's all make fun of fat folks," my message is "wake up and smell the devastation to our bodies, our earth, and our fellow non-human inhabitants." I don't kid myself into thinking that this will ever change, but I feel compelled to comment on it.

On a lighter note, here's a silly cartoon about a clown.